5ives

1. John Doe (X)
2. Carl Newman (New Pornographers)
3. Sharky Laguana (Creeper Lagoon)
4. Lois Maffeo (Lois)
5. Brent Nelson (Built to Spill)

1. A car should not have to “honk” when you lock it
2. Farts should be acknowledged, if not celebrated
3. Mr. Obama is not _actually_ reading your Twitter
4. Your hair looked better before
5. No one likes your Harley

1. the affectless engineer in the recording booth when Davy Jones sang on _The Brady Bunch_
2. the waiter who takes Fredo’s _banana daiquiri_ order in _The Godfather II_
3. the G.I. in the next stall in _Slaughterhouse-Five_
4. the pomaded guy playing drums on the street in _Taxi Driver_
5. Donald Trump

1. Dazzler’s Irrational X-Uberance
2. 50 Shades of Jean Grey
3. Astonishing X-Actuaries
4. Professor Sartre and the All-New X-Istentialists
5. Uncanny X-Girlfriends

1. “Is it just me or…”
2. “I used to really like this site, but…”
3. “Am I missing something here or…”
4. “LMAO…”
5. “So:”

1. Roger Federer
2. McLean Stevenson
3. Boutros Boutros-Ghali
4. Renée Zellweger
5. Thurl Ravenscroft

1. giant rubberband johnson
2. bottle opener eyes
3. Black BMW-disintegrating laser hands
4. Ultimate Walgreens Nullifier
5. flawless Stratego telepathy

1. Hardington
2. Coolidge
3. Milhous
4. Li’l Smokin’ Wheelchair Dude
5. Hoover-Marie

1. Where I’m Calling For a Cab From
2. Will You Please Be Quiet, Please, My Head is *POUNDING*, Please?
3. Call If You Need Me to Bring Ice
4. Tell the Women We’re Going on a Beer Run
5. What We Talk About When We Talk About Obvious Raymond Carver Jokes

1. Rubberbands holding WordPress together broke. Again.
2. Chronic katalogosophobia
3. Deliciously addictive *Sex in the City* Box Set
4. Painful condition involving corns or something
5. I’m a *complete* idiot

1. Raging Boner Quoits
2. Fanta ‘n Meth Slammerz
3. Locker Room Orthodonture
4. Ear Jobs
5. Bukkake Arby’s

1. We actually exist in a snow globe ruled by the autistic kid from _St. Elsewhere_
2. The Universe, like sexual intercourse, was created by The Beatles in the Autumn of 1962
3. The Creator’s machinations are always subject to even more all-powerful beings: _Mrs. Creator_. (And, her new lawyer, Sid)
4. We live in a galaxy on the thumbnail of a Santa Cruz student who’s really, _really_ fucking high right now
5. A wizard in the sky created an infinite universe then let his son get murdered by politically-powerful bigots so he could fly back to the sky to help people who agree to believe in the wizard in return for not being forced to be sad and hot for the rest of forever

1. Mazel Tov on That Reversed Vasectomy!
1. Third Divorce is a Charm, Mom!
1. Your New Boobs Look Large and Super-Hard!
1. Condolences on Your Poorly-Thought-Out Home-Based Business!
1. I’m Minding Your Halitosis Less!

1. Lindsey Buckingham (Fleetwood Mac)
2. The Edge (U2)
3. Neil Young
4. Paul Reynolds (A Flock of Seagulls)
5. My friend, Mike

1. warranty automatically extended 90 days on all E-meters™
2. tone level over 20 entitles you to free iced tea refills at the Celebrity Centre©
3. Xenu personally emails your kid on her birthday
4. complimentary _Look Who’s Talking_ tote bag, _Risky Business_ satin jacket
5. double card stamps toward your next “‘Ron the Commodore’ 12-inch Hoagie” for each celebrity “girlfriend” you can contribute

1. shaving porch
2. koi barn
3. crying trellis
4. grudging fellatio pantry
5. remodeling room

1. “I hope Mr. Phineas T. Snugglewhiskers doesn’t hog all the treats from The Princess Party Triplets and Li’l Cap’n Funnynose.”
1. “I’ll bet the cats other people here think about aren’t as precious as mine and can’t even tell when the mailman is secretly waiting for the best time to take all of us out to Applebee’s in his mail truck for a big skillet dinner and a Fanta.”
1. “My feet hurt.”
1. “I wonder if my feet hurt because I have diabetes. Jesus, I hope Pickles McPicklepickle No. 3 and Kitti Katfenstahl don’t eat my toes tonight.”
2. “Felicia Butterfly Oliver Sacks Von Precioushugs better not be recording over my stories; she’s not _that_ gee-dee precious.”

1. Jasmine Rice
1. Ginger Snapper
1. Rainbow Salad
1. Volcano Prawns
1. Pumpkin Curry

3. *Mondays with Whiskey*
2. *The Five People You Meet in Line at Arby’s*
1. *Saturday with Morrie’s Roommate…It’s…Like…Oh…You Know…Like… “Sal,” or “Sid,” or Something Kind of Jew-y*
4. *Wednesdays When That One Nurse with the Rack Washes Morrie Real Slow Like*
2. *Something Something Inspiration Old Person Just Call It Whatever But Just Definitely Change This Shit, Okay? –ma*

1. Kel Domage
1. Rosco Green
1. Skip Intro
1. Fanny B. Tender
1. Romana Clay

1. Nüvi GPS navigator
1. Windows Media Player
2. pineapples
3. all sports equipment
1. the Taco Bell lady

1. Rash and Rationality
1. Punk and Punctuality
1. Beast and Bestiality
1. Funk and Functionality
1. Fried and Credulous

1. The Saltiest Joint
1. Suck the Bone
1. Unexpectedly Covered in Sauce
1. Bar-B-Q*bert
1. Texas Pete’s Rootin’, Tootin’ Pulled Pork ‘n’ Fellatio Funfactory

1. “You Didn’t Have to Be So Nice” by The Lovin’ Spoonful
1. “Wall of Death” by Richard & Linda Thompson
1. “Rocks Off” by The Rolling Stones
1. _anything_ by Neil Young & Crazy Horse
1. “The Village Green Preservation Society” by The Kinks

1. barber
1. MUNI driver
1. flight attendant
1. kung-fu master
1. deceased fried chicken entrepreneur

1. condoms (and instruction on how and when to use/not use them)
1. _The Elements of Style_ by Strunk and White
1. phone number of a super-cool, non-panicky adult (who will get you out of the jams your parents must never learn of)
1. _Surfer Rosa_ by Pixies
1. iPod on which to listen to _Surfer Rosa_ at painfully loud volume

1. Fauxhawk Sharpener
2. Timpani Dramaticizer
3. Molecular Gastronomy Re-explainer
4. Foam Consultant
5. Clog Wrangler

1. slow in pockets
1. jackknifed big rig
1. backed-up to the maze
1. Friday-light
1. goat on the shoulder

1. _¿Perry Cómo Estás?_
1. _Que Syrah Syrah_
1. _Bicycletarse_
1. _Chili Art Carney_
1. _No Hablamos Español_

1. Quiet Evenings
1. Me & the Kitties
1. Lonesome Bites
1. Monomunches
1. Singles…for Life!